I have to say that this week (all two days of it) have been particularly challenging. I don't know if it's because it's February or what, but my boys have been very...um...energetic. It seems to be worse when I'm trying to talk on the phone (sorry, sis), which really is a rare thing these days.
The theme of this week seems to be a serious lack of obedience where my children are concerned. I resorted to some pretty strong discipline tactics today (no, not corporal punishment or anything), and I'm so happy to report tonight that they were very effective. I think I got their attention...finally. Here's the main thing: Whenever I find myself repeating things over and over again, I wonder to myself, "Do they have an ounce of respect for me, any regard for my authority at all?" "Why aren't they obeying me? Can't they hear the frustration in my voice? What part of this are they not understanding???" And then of course, the all familiar, "I'm such a failure. I'm a horrible mother. I'm going to ruin these children. If I had any control over them at all, they'd stop this and obey me!!!"
Please, someone. Can I get an AMEN? Am I the only one feeling this way?
Today, I was on the brink. This morning I knew I was when I was sitting on the couch, just opening my bible and my study at 6:15 a.m. (well before the kids normally get up), and I heard Caden whining in his crib.
I threw my pen down, slammed my hand on my book, looked heavenward with a HUGE sigh and said "NO, Lord. No. Not today!!! No. I need this time. Make him go back to sleep!!!"
The Lord had other plans. Caden wasn't about to go back to sleep and I didn't want him to wake his brother with whom he shares a room.
I tried to continue my study (to no avail) and then realized that what I really needed was a serious attitude adjustment. Or a "check up from the neck up" as my husband calls it.
I left Caden downstairs in front of a mindless cartoon (GASP!) and I went up to our bedroom, fell on my knees and poured all my frustration out. It went something like this: "I can't do this today, Lord. I know You say that with You, all things are possible, but I am not equipped to do this today! I really can't. Send someone who can do this for me, please!"
And the Lord said, "I have."
That was all I needed. I have access to the One who can all day long. And the thing is, He does! Apart from Him, I truly can do no good thing. I cannot be the woman He wants me to be unless I am wholly relying on Him and Him alone. I can't do this job. I'm completely and utterly inadequate...desperate... without Him. He will equip me for this. If I am reaching for Him from the depths, He will throw me a trusty rope!
Maybe that encourages you today. Or maybe it seems like a bunch of babbling. I don't know. I'm just typing tonight...this is what's on my heart.
On a lighter note, Caden and I were sitting down together yesterday reviewing letters and the sounds they make, and we happened to be on the letter "K." Here's a little excerpt from our conversation:
Me: Okay Caden, so here we have a K. Can you make a k-k-k
C: k, k, k
Me: Very good! Say 'k-k-kite.' (I point to the picture of the
Me: Very, very good job! Okay, now say 'k-k-kangaroo.' (I point
to the cute little kangaroo.)
Me: Excellent! Alright, now say 'k-k-key!' (I start pointing to
the picture of a key.)
C: (He points to the picture of a penguin) 'k-k-kenguin!!!'
(hysterics from all three of us)
Cody: CADEN, YOU'RE HILARIOUS!
Thank You, God, for laughter! Thank You, God, for my boys. Thank You, God, for this amazing gift of motherhood. May I never take these two precious ones for granted or this job You've called me to. Keep reminding me that I am not alone, that I can do this and that You will help me. And remind my dear sisters reading today who need to be reminded of that as well. We are Yours, Lord, and our children belong to You. Amen.